News flash. I never went back to school. I don’t think I ever will. During my four or five years since graduating college, I have endlessly thought about going back for a higher degree and it just never truly lit up my soul.

Whenever I envisioned a potential career as a psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health clinician, counselor, etc., my heart didn’t feel right with the idea. Pursuing the traditional psychology field didn’t fit me. The clinical setting didn’t appeal to me. It felt cold (my opinions, this isn’t how it’s like in real life). Too much research and stats numbed my mind. Imagining working with clients day in and out left me feeling exhausted. And that’s imagining. What if I were to actually do that work?!?! Etc. Etc.

*Mental health clinicians and counselors are amazing and if you need their assistance, DO NOT hesitate to reach out to these professionals.

I love psychology. Still am interested in it. Everything I learned in my college courses have been invaluable. My heart and soul just couldn’t envision being in that specific career. This realization broke my heart. It took a while for me to finally accept “defeat” and confess to myself that I didn’t want to chase after that goal anymore.

When I accepted that, I felt freedom. I felt lighter. But then…

So what the hell did I want?

Again, sometimes you really need to listen to your heart more than your mind. Your heart ultimately leads you towards the most suitable direction.

My parents were furious. My mom more so. Because, you know, moms. She thought I wasted my time in college. And that my degree was a waste because I was never using it. I got jobs in other things unrelated to my degree.

Years of anxiety, feeling down, confused, etc. I was in a pitch dark place. A truly shitty time when I feel so stuck and in so much pain that I just lived robotically, not imagining it was possible for anything better to exist out there. As we have all experienced unfortunately. So know you’re not alone.

I reflected on my psychology degree from college. Was it a waste? Was my mother right? I believed she was for a long time. I felt like shit about it. Like I didn’t measure up. That I was a failure. A joke. A quitter. A lazy person. A waste of space. A good for nothing. That I lacked the ambition I once had. That there was something wrong with me.

*Small tangent: If you’ve felt that way or had any of those thoughts or hell, even comments said about you, don’t believe them. Society sometimes makes you feel less than. Makes you feel like shit. You’re not shit. You’re important. You’re successful. You’re not a quitter. It’s actually not in our human nature to quit. Think about it. If you’re feeling confused about parts of your life (like career), it’s okay, because you’ll gain clarity soon enough.

*Back to our regularly scheduled program.*

Then 2019 happened.

Something magical and absolutely unexpected hit me out of left field. The glimpse of the sun peaking behind a thinning layer of what I believed were infinite and permanent storm clouds in my world.

My friend introduced me to tarot.

Now my friend was just sharing something she was interested in with me. She didn’t know how much of an impact it would have in my life. But bless her! This was what I unexpectedly needed.

As I struggled to figure out my life’s purpose, I continued binge-watching all these YouTube tarot/pick-a-card readings. You think this was a waste of time? No. It certainly wasn’t.

Motivation rippled through me. I felt interested in something for the first time in a long time.

Gradually, I also found people who inspired me. What I call my A-Team. Read my post about how you can start practicing forming your own A-Team so you can stay inspired!

My motivation grew.

My heart beat with excitement.

Instead of hating myself, the first sparks of something new and wonderful flickered in me. I wanted to emulate these individuals. The work they did, their attitudes, their inspiring messages.

The magic of life wasn’t lost like I thought. It was just behind the heavy storm clouds.